Will Domestic Abuse Happen Again?

Published on September 25, 2024

Silhouette of a woman sitting alone in a dark room.

The current statistics from the National Network to End Domestic Violence shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been the victim of domestic violence. There is always a first time. Most victims are shell shocked the first time it happens. They question whether it was their fault. Was it a one-time event? Will it become a pattern? When your partner hits you, then promises it will never happen again, apologizing profusely, it is easy to believe them. You love them and they love you. 

The truth is that domestic abuse doesn’t tend to be an isolated incident, and statistics show that offenders tend to repeat the behavior. Abuse is a choice people make to gain power and control over their intimate partner. Abuse often starts off slowly, controlling behaviors and demands such as what the other person wears, where they go, who they can be with will often lead to nonphysical abuse, such as intimidation, isolation, and emotional abuse. Overtime, the abuse often escalates to physical abuse.  Once the offender establishes that power and control over the victim, the victims tend to fall into a pattern of abuse called the cycle of violence. The cycle oscillates between the abuse, the guilt, the makeup period (also called the honeymoon period) and then escalating tensions that lead back to the abuse. This pattern of instability and unpredictability can cause the victim to feel trapped and unable to escape the situation.

 

Can abusers change?

People are always capable of change, but the key is a genuine desire on the part of the abuser to change behavior, not just want. Often abusive behavior is learned behavior, and the abuser must learn how to change that part of their history for the future. Change does not happen overnight. Change takes a lot of proactive work and counseling. The abuser must take responsibility and acknowledge their abusive behavior and commit to a change in behavior and thought.  Just because someone has apologized and made promises to change after an abusive incident does not mean they are yet committed to that change. It’s easier said than done!

So, how do you know if a person has changed or is changing?

 

Here are some signs that change is possible.

  • Admitting fully to what they have done and recognizing their behavior
  • Stop making excuses and blaming the victim
  • Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice
  • Identifying patterns of controlling behavior (power and control wheel) 
  • Identifying the attitudes that drive their abuse
  • Recognizing the seriousness of abuse
  • Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
  • Treating their partner as an equal
  • Changing how they act in heated conflicts
  • Accepting the consequences of their actions

 

Here are some signs the abuse

  • Feeling like you’re controlled, this could include telling you how to dress, who you can and cannot see or talk to, where you can and cannot go, and isolating you from friends and family.
  • Feeling fearful that your partner might physically abuse you, like you are walking on eggshells all the time.
  • Objectifying you, treating you more like property than an equal partner.
  • Constantly blames their outbursts, anger or controlling behavior on external circumstances such as a stressful job, family issues, drinking too much or just having a bad day.
  • Constantly puts you down or calls you names.
  • Threatens to leave or take your children away from you.
  • Hitting, slapping, strangling or shoving you, or threatening you with weapons, this included threats to the children or family pets.
  • Threatening to kill themselves or you
  • Forcing or pressuring you to do things sexually that you're not comfortable with

 

No one deserves abuse, and it’s never too late to seek help. While we hope abusive partners will change, it’s not always realistic to expect that they can and will. Focus on changes you can control to improve your own life, because you deserved to feel loved, happy, and safe.

If you suspect you’re in an abusive relationship, reach out to a trained domestic violence advocate through your local shelter or police department. You don’t have to identify yourself or be looking for shelter to call a hotline or walk into a police department. You don’t even have to want to leave. You can simply talk through what’s going on with someone who can validate your experience and help you consider the next steps.

 

•           National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

•           NM Crisis Line: 1-855-NMCRISIS

•           Crisis Center of Northern NM: 1-505-753-1656

•           Esperanza shelter: 1-505-474-5536

•           Los Alamos Victim Advocate: 1-505-663-3511

•           988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - Call. Text. Chat.

 

For more information contact the Los Alamos Police Department at 505.662.8222.

 

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