What is gaslighting?

Published on March 07, 2025

Gaslighting is a term that describes a type of emotional and psychological abuse in which an abuser convinces his or her victim that the abuse he or she is remembering didn’t occur, or wasn’t nearly as severe as the victim remembers. Gaslighting often makes the victims of abuse doubt their own memory, question themselves, and at times feel like they are going crazy. 

Gaslighting can be hard to recognize, especially if the victim trusts the abusive person. Abusers often use gaslighting to minimize the abuse and keep power and control over the victim; the victim gets caught in the cycle of violence, which can be described as a pattern of abuse which keeps a victim trapped in the relationship.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting can happen in a variety of ways. Some examples include:

Countering: This is when someone questions a person’s memory. They may say things such as, “Are you sure about that?” You have a bad memory,” or “I think you are forgetting what really happened.”

Withholding: This involves someone pretending they do not understand the conversation or refusing to listen to make a person doubt themselves. For example, they might say, “Now you are just confusing me,” or “I do not know what you are talking about.”

Trivializing: This occurs when a person belittles or disregards how someone else feels. They may accuse them of being “too sensitive” or overreacting in response to valid and reasonable concerns.

Denial: Denial involves a person refusing to take responsibility for their actions. They may do this by pretending to forget what happened, saying they did not do it, or blaming their behavior on someone else.

Diverting: With this technique, a person changes the focus of a discussion by questioning the other person’s credibility. For example, they might say, “That is just nonsense you read on the internet. It is not real.”

Over time a victim of gaslighting may experience:

·      Feeling uncertain of their perceptions

·      Frequently questioning if they are remembering things correctly

·      Believing they are irrational or “crazy”

·      Feeling incompetent, unconfident, or worthless

·      Constantly apologizing to the abusive person

·      Defending the abusive person’s behavior to others

·      Becoming withdrawn or isolated from others

Gaslighting may contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and confidence. According to a 2023 survey by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 74% of female victims of domestic violence experienced gaslighting by their partner, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If you believe you are experiencing abuse of any kind you should seek support.

National Domestic Violence hotline:1-800-799-7233

Local Resources:

Los Alamos Victim Assistant: 505-663-3511

Crisis Center of Northern NM: 505-753-1656

Esperanza Shelter:505-473-5200 or 1-800-473-5220

New Mexico Crisis and Access Line: 1-855-662-7474

For more information contact the Los Alamos Police Department at 505.662.8222.